Day 5: The Road to Savannah, Georgia

20Jul07

In November, 1864, General Sherman began his infamous “March to the Sea” from Atlanta to Savannah, destroying everything in his path by burning it to the ground. From wikipedia:

Sherman’s March to the Sea followed his successful Atlanta Campaign of May to September 1864. He and U.S. Army commander Lt. Gen. Ulysses S. Grant believed that the Civil War would end only if the Confederacy’s strategic, economic, and psychological capacity for warfare were decisively broken. Sherman therefore applied the principles of scorched earth, ordering his troops to burn crops, kill livestock, consume supplies, and destroy civilian infrastructure along their path. This policy is often also referred to as total war.

Certainly, there is nothing that is less beneficial to the “Common Good” than a fiery blaze. By using this tactic, Sherman helped force his enemy’s surrender–and if it worked for Sherman during the Civil War, it will work for us now.

The plan was to get ahead of the other teams, and then begin to set the countryside ablaze in order to force our opponents’ surrender. As we rocketed past Team Bloodshot on the highway, we gave them a friendly honk, as if to say “enjoy the lush greenery while it lasts… only flames and destruction wait ahead.” I’m pretty sure they got all that from the honk anyway.

However, our plan was foiled by Team Lazlo, who had duped us into believing they were but an innocent, three person team, with only the best intentions. Just as we were getting ready to commence with the burning, about 45 miles outside of Savannah as planned, we realized the devious tricks Team Lazlo Hollyfeld was up to.

As they say: Somebody set us up the bomb.

Through the use of some sort of invisible, improvised explosive device, they were able to destroy our left-inside rear tire, sever our fuel hose, and rip the gas cap off of the filler tube. Location of the IED explosion is noted here:

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Impressive, Lazlo. Most impressive.

In times like these, we must turn to the immortal words of our own President Bush:

“Fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again!”

Well said, George.

Pictures of the damage below.
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Clearly, it was Team Lazlo that was behind the flat tire earlier in the week, ensuring that we would not have a spare with which to repair this latest damage. We pulled off the highway to call for help, and were promptly greeted with the most impressive army of gnats and other insects we have ever encountered. Lazlo has obviously been training these gnats in their evil laboratory, undoubtedly in cahoots with The Millers, despite whatever charade they play out on their blog.

Fortunately, two teams behind us remained unaware of our destructive plans, and we called upon the Goddesh of Richmond to cash in the positive karma we had built up.

Our prayers were answered, and the powers of the Goddesh forced Bloodshot to repay the karma for us having saved them from dehydration in Atlanta, and forced the Fellowship to repay the karma from the certain-death river rescue.

The RV was abandoned until the morning, and we headed into Savannah, for once with enough time to make it to the pub and hang out with the other teams. We even made it before the mandatory Kilt Kerfew ™ at 9pm.

Tomorrow is another day, and we will not let these silly little bombs or road-side rescues slow us down. Onward and upward. For great justice.

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